To be or not to be… a perfectionist?

(That is the question)

Stress and sleep

asktheexpert
Sonia Chartier
@AVogel_ca


17 January 2019

Recent research is showing that, by seeking perfection, most perfectionists are compromising their mental health and becoming more susceptible to problems like stress, anxiety and depression. In this article, we’ll take a look at the toxic side of perfectionism and why sometimes it’s important to practice self-compassion.

What does being a perfectionist mean?

Perfectionism is often perceived as a positive trait that will boost your odds of achieving success in your personal life and career. When you think of a perfectionist, you probably think of someone who is meticulous and methodical in everything they do—they’re very organized and set lofty goals for themselves.

These qualities do sound admirable—after all, from childhood we’re always told to do our best and a high value is usually placed on academic success. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with this mentality, but what most people don’t realize is how easily perfectionism can take a toll on your mental health.

If you’re constantly striving for perfection, then odds are you’re also very self-critical, which probably means you unwittingly subscribe to something known as “socially prescribed perfectionism.” In other words, you measure your social worth by your successes and aim for perfection in order to receive validation and approval. In this context, a perfectionist may be prone to extremely self-critical behaviour and believe that others are judging them by their own exceptionally high standards.

For example, if you were to perform poorly in a test, you might feel a bit disappointed and deflated but ultimately you would pick yourself up and acknowledge that these things can happen and use it as a lesson going forward. However, if you’re a perfectionist, this type of failure can feel all-consuming and inspire a range of negative thoughts and feelings that can be difficult to dismiss.

How does toxic perfectionism impact your mental health?

Understanding the mindset that often accompanies toxic perfectionism, it’s easy to see why perfectionists are more vulnerable to mental health problems such as stress, anxiety and depression. The pressure not only to succeed, but also to continue succeeding indefinitely, can be a little like running on a hamster wheel: eventually, if you don’t get off, either you’re going to collapse from exhaustion or the wheel is going to break.

That’s not to say that self-criticism is necessarily a bad thing. We all have an inner voice that analyzes our actions and behaviour, and this can be a good thing. For instance, it might prevent us from making a mistake, talk us out of a poor decision or keep us motivated to overcome a personal challenge. However, if your inner critic is constantly berating you like an angry parent, it can easily take a toll and lead to negative thoughts and feelings.

Researchers are taking an interest in the extent of these unhappy emotions, and they’re unearthing some unpleasant statistics. A meta-analysis of studies involving over 40,000 American, Canadian and British college students carried out between 1989 and 2016 found not only that the proportion of students exhibiting perfectionist qualities increased, but also that toxic perfectionism was often linked with clinical depression, eating disorders and even premature death.

It is therefore emerging that the biggest health risk that perfectionists face is stress. While in the short term it might keep you motivated, in the long run it can be disastrous for both your mental and physical health. Your immune function, digestive health, sleep patterns and diet can all be impacted by stress, creating a vicious cycle as your physical symptoms exacerbate your already elevated stressed levels.

Another thing stress and perfectionism have in common is that neither is sustainable. Remember the hamster wheel analogy? What happens when the wheel finally breaks or you eventually collapse?

The link between perfectionism and burnout syndrome

Toxic perfectionism isn’t sustainable for a number of reasons, but the main one is that the goal you’re setting is unattainable. Failure is an unavoidable part of life and a barrier that all of us eventually encounter at some point. In fact, it can even be a good thing as it gives us an opportunity to learn, grow and improve.

However, as mentioned above, if you’re a perfectionist, failure is something you fear and avoid at all costs. And if you do eventually confront it, it can lead to something called “burnout syndrome,” which relates to a range of emotions that occur as a result of chronic stress, something most perfectionists who exhibit toxic behaviour suffer from.

Think of burnout as being the scenario where the hamster finally goes flying off the wheel. In the long run, stress can seriously deplete your energy levels, and when you finally find yourself wobbling a little bit, instead of picking yourself up, you just crash. If you’ve had a burnout, you’re likely suffering from fatigue and struggling to stay motivated. Perhaps you’ve had a setback and you’re shaken by it, and in an effort to avoid encountering it again, you’re instinctively procrastinating.

So, how can you cope with self-critical thoughts?

Silencing your inner critic can be difficult, as this mindset has likely been ingrained into you for years. It’ll take time and patience, but it is possible to overcome that nagging voice, and most experts seem to agree that self-compassion is the way forward.

What is self-compassion?

Simply put, self-compassion is exactly what it sounds like: showing yourself some patience and understanding. It’s too easy to become swept up in work obligations and family responsibilities, allowing your own health and mental wellbeing to get pushed into second, third or even fourth place! It’s important not to let this happen, so we’re going to outline some of the ways you can show yourself a bit more compassion.

  1. Take a moment and breathe – If you’re focusing all your attention on work plans, assignments and meetings then you’re probably not setting much time aside for yourself and any “me time” you do get is probably spent worrying about the work you should be doing—don’t worry, it happens to everyone. That’s why it’s so important to set aside some time to breathe, literally! Practicing deep breathing techniques when you feel overwhelmed can go a long way toward calming yourself down and combatting anxious thoughts.
  2. Practice mindful meditation – Mindful meditation is a great way of acknowledging and processing your thoughts, as it encourages you to be focusing on the moment rather than worrying about the past and future. It’s a great way to relax and promote a sense of inner peace. What’s more, studies have found that it’s extremely helpful for tackling stress. And there’s never been a better or more convenient time to take up this practice either, as there are so many options out there, including free apps offering 5- or 10-minute sessions that are easy to pack into a busy schedule.
  3. Deflect those negative thoughts – If you feel as though your inner critic is shouting a bit too loudly, one of the best things you can do is distract yourself. Go for a run, engage in a social activity with your friends or read a book—anything that will take your mind to other places instead of allowing it to home in on any negativity. Remember, self-criticism isn’t always rational, and once you realize that, you can easily replace any outrageously negative thoughts with more realistic, logical statements. Instead of dwelling on the negative thoughts, stay active and avoid becoming isolated or sedentary.
  4. Set realistic goals – All of us want to achieve our goals but it’s important to acknowledge what you’re capable of and what you’re not. You, physically and mentally, cannot do everything and while a stubborn part of you might want to try, trust me, it’s sometimes better to compromise. There’s nothing wrong with striving to improve or overcome a challenge but you need to think realistically about what you’re taking on, be it a bigger workload or a new project, and assess how you’re going to cope. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying no once in a while, especially if it gives you more time to focus on yourself.
  5. Talk to someone! – If you’re struggling to cope with stress or negative emotions, then it’s really important that you speak to someone—a friend, loved one, colleague or healthcare professional. Bottling up your emotions is never a good idea and may only serve to make the problem worse as, on top of stress and anxiety, you’ll also have to deal with feelings of isolation. You might not want to unload all your problems on someone you care about but the very act of giving a voice to your concerns and worries can provide a release. And it’s possible that the person you talk to might be able to provide a new perspective or solution, or simply reassurance.

How herbal remedies can help

If you’re struggling to cope with stress and feel as though you’re under too much pressure, you could try a herbal remedy like Passion Flower. This herb can help relax the central nervous system, promoting feelings of calm and enabling you to cope better with things like stress and anxiety.

If you feel as though you’re truly struggling to cope and your mental wellbeing is being seriously impacted, then the best thing to do is speak to your doctor, who should be able to offer guidance, suggest treatments such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), and provide other options.

References:
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323323.php
https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/bul-bul0000138.pdf
https://www.medicinenet.com/stress_meditation_may_reduce_stress/views.htm


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